It’s only been a short amount of time since I’ve delved into this new and unexpected path in my life but I’m already starting to feel the repercussions of my choice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so incredibly grateful for everything that’s happened so far but being a pretty emotionally unstable person, I tend to focus more on the darker side of my feelings. Sometimes I wonder if this kind of life is what I actually want. I’m only getting a little taste of it and it’s already pretty overwhelming. Whether it’s the speed at which everything is changing or if it’s just the idea that I’m actually starting to grow up, I don’t know. People always told me that that limbo-period in life, after high school, is when you truly find yourself.
High school was nothing. There was no real change or huge self-discovery that is more drastic than actually realizing that you’re no longer a child. No, I mean actually realizing that you’re not a child. Not the rebellious, wannabe-independent mindset you had as a teenager but the actual moment when you realize that you’re no longer a child. High school prepared me for none of that. All the sugar-coated lessons and multitude of behavior assemblies didn’t prepare me for shit. It might’ve worked for those kids who’s parent’s had their whole life planned with the perfect college and the so-called “optimum path” that every white-picket-fenced, upper-middle class, suburban American family dreams of but not me. I wasn’t one of those kids. Even if my parents wanted that for me, I knew in my heart that I wasn’t going to accept that path for my life, ever. I wasn’t willing to give into the ignorant bliss of this life. I guess I’ve just always wanted to feel so much more than that. I wanted to understand what actually made us human. I wanted to explore, to go where most people are too afraid of treading. I guess that’s why art has always attracted me. Growing up I was always told that I should never go down that path and that it was the worst possible thing I could pursue.
I’ve always had a rebellious mindset. The more people told me I couldn’t do something, the more I was tempted to do it: which leads me to where I am in my life, right now.
Wow, I’m so sorry for the long and, probably, nonsensical word vomit. If you’ve made it this far into this post then I applaud you and thank you. Well hey, I think I’ve made a little discovery tonight with this post. Time to explore where I’m uncomfortable exploring. It’s the only thing I could do now that I’ve rambled on and on about how much I want to go where most people are “too afraid of treading.” Here goes nothing. And, well, everything. I’m just going to let the moment seize me.
Time: 3:02 AM
Song I’m currently listening to: Suffering by The War on Drugs
|11th Sep 2014✧09:579 notes
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|31st Aug 2014✧05:063 notes
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|25th Aug 2014✧15:32233,109 notes|
I don’t think my life has ever moved this fast before. Not even moving into college was this bad. I understood college, to an extent. I’ve been doing school for most of the life. I understood school. Going to college wasn’t a big deal because it was just another step into my education, something which I was (moderately) prepared for in high school. I can’t say exactly what I’m doing just yet but.. you guys ever had an important event just come up out of nowhere and even though you knew that it was coming up, you really didn’t think it’d actually show up? As if the universe would suddenly stop at said moment just to extend time and space to give you more time to actually take in the gravity and weight of what’s actually ahead of you. ‘Now’ is always happening. Needless to say, I’m very mentally unprepared for this journey. I have no idea how I’m going to handle everything but hey, it’s here and I just have to try my hardest to move forward.
Time: 11:24 PM
Song I’m currently listening to: Retrograde and Dlm by James Blake
|19th Aug 2014✧20:25